I wish I knew the right words to say. I wish I knew you. I wish I can meet you someday. I want her to know that someone is willing to be there for her, because I can truly relate to her. I love reading LoveSpork's entries.
Saying "I wish" or "I want" won't do much... probably nothing at all. I need to make it happen! Chyeah, right. Anyways, I've been thinking about some things. Actually a lot of things. Things about myself.
I want to change. Not completely changing who I am, because would sound like I'm trying to be someone I'm not. I want to be the person I should be. Myself.
I want to express my feelings not only through my mind, but also with other people who will fully understand me. I want someone who I can cry to and vent to. Truly opening up myself that I have been bottling up. Last week, I thought I was going to be miserable staying at my uncle and auntie's house, because my aunt would always judge me. But I came to realize something. I'm slightly opening up to my aunt. Even a little conversation shows improvement with my social skills. Unfortunately, I'm not the butterfly with high self esteem.
I know I can be immensely introvert with certain people, but I'm extrovert when it comes to being with the people I love deeply. I want my confidence to blossom; I want my insecurity to wither.
I especially thank Kanon Wakeshima's "Skip Turn Step". This song just simply makes me feel pure bliss. The exquisiteness of this song makes me believe I can do anything I want to do in the world. I know that changing myself won't happen over night. It takes time and determination.
I know I've failed numerously, but this time I want to change. I think my heart is seriously being set out for this. I know people compliment me, and it flatters me. I disagree with them the majority of time. According to Kirsten's life's instruction book, I should say "thank you" and that is all that is necessary.
Sometimes I'm frightened of what people might think of me. What are their thoughts about my appearance not satisfying them? What I get embarrassed and overly self-conscious about is my acne. All these pimples are showing how much of a fool I am. They show how I don't take care of myself. They show how dirty I am. I am always blaming my horrid skin from my dad's genetics, but that reason isn't fully based on that. I'm not taking complete care of my one and only body. These pimples are signifying that I need something. No not Proactiv. Well maybe. BUT, dedication was the word I was looking for.
This extra baggage on me is showing how lazy and careless I am. I'm tired of being compared with my sister. My older sister is the skinny one while I am the fatter one. My sister is the one who is outgoing and bubbly. She's the one people admire, and I do look up to her. I just don't want to be her. I want to be myself.
My parents tell me to do things. Sometimes I don't even bother to do what they want me to do. It's very disrespectful and rude of me. That also shows how I'm more of a lazy person who can't even do a simple task such as fixing my bed. I'm sorry Mommy and Daddy. You guys deserve so much better.
My parents can be threatening if I fail their expectations. Earning all A's in my classes don't seem to surprise them. I don't like it when people assume I know everything when I actually lack of basic knowledge!
I don't want others to worry about me. I don't need soothing, sympathetic words. What I need is the ability to gain confidence and feel better about myself. Have people realize what I have, not the qualities that I need. Dedication. Motivation. Encouragement?
I want to be the person who people can be proud of!
I'll become a better person. Just give me time. Watch me.
“We all wear masks, and the time comes
when we cannot remove them
without removing some of our own skin.
Post a Comment